What is bullying?

It’s important to know what bullying is as well as what it isn’t. If someone is unkind to your child, or argues with your child, or doesn’t invite your child to their birthday party, that’s frustrating, but it’s not bullying. Bullying is unwanted, aggressive, and repeated harassment or abuse that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. When it is serious, it can have lasting and devastating psychological effects.

What is cyberbullying?

Cyberbullying is repeated, intentional harm inflicted through digital media (phones, computers, and other devices).

How common is bullying?

A 2014 meta-analysis of 80 studies estimated that one out of three 12-to-18-year-olds engages in traditional bullying — defined as deliberate, repeated harm inflicted onto others who can’t defend themselves — while nearly one in six engages in cyberbullying via digital devices. If this sounds high, consider that there are many ways kids can bully, and that bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are popular and confident; others may be misfits; some are depressed or anxious and may even be victims of bullying themselves. Kids can frequently be bullies, occasionally be bullies, or be bullies one day and victims the next. Some never instigate bullying but still laugh along with the perpetrators. One recent study found that among kids who observe bullying, more than a quarter participate somehow. Put another way, bullying is a continuum, and a child’s involvement and role can change from day to day. 

Why do kids bully?

Often, kids bully because they are trying to impress their peers, build power and boost their position on the social ladder. In her bullying book Sticks and Stones, journalist Emily Bazelon explained the various ways in which bullying can boost social stature. “Maybe they’re after a laugh from another kid they want to impress, or induction into a clique; maybe they want to publicly distance themselves from a friend they sense is now seen as a loser,” she writes.

Some bullying isn’t overt or physical. Among girls especially, bullying can entirely social, involving passive-aggressive slights like exclusion and rumor-spreading — again with the goal of boosting social standing. (You have probably heard of, if not seen, the movie Mean Girls, which is all about this kind of bullying.) In a 2007 study, Duke University psychologist and neuroscientist Kristina McDonald and her colleagues videotaped 60 fourth-grade girls as they talked with a close friend. In the span of just 15 minutes, the girls had engaged in 36 episodes of gossip involving 25 different people.

What should I do if I think my child is being bullied?

First, ask for details. The more specifics you can get about what’s going on, the better (and if there’s documentation or evidence you can collect, do that too). Sometimes, you’ll learn that the situation is more complicated than it seems — that your kid is just fighting with an old friend, say. Resist the temptation to admonish your child or interject with advice; the goal is to collect as much information as you can without giving your child reasons to hold back. 

After you hear your child’s side of the story, your immediate inclination may be to call the bully’s parents. But first, take some deep breaths and think about whether a call like that would be productive. If you don’t know the bully’s parents, they may be quick to defend their child and even accuse you or your child of lying. If you do know the parents and you think they would be reasonable, consider talking to them if you think it may help, but wait until you’ve calmed down.

Sometimes, kids feel afraid or ashamed about being bullied and might not open up about what they’re going through; studies suggest that as many as 40 percent of kids who are bullied don’t tell their parents. But you can look out for warning signs, which include losing interest in school or sudden grade drops; trouble sleeping or nightmares; and saying they feel sick on school days when they seem healthy. If you see these signs, make time to talk with your child one-on-one in a warm and sympathetic way. Tell them that you know they may feel scared, but that you need to know what’s going on so you can work together to identify solutions and ways you can help. And don’t advise your child to fight back: Victims who fight back tend to lose — bullies often pick their targets specifically because they are smaller or less physically inclined — and research suggests that victims who attempt to fight end up getting bullied more afterwards.

If your child is in elementary school, and the bullying seems serious, consider talking to your child’s teacher, principal or school psychologist. New York State public schools have what is called a Dignity Act Coordinator to handle bullying-related issues; at Haldane Elementary School, this position is held by school psychologist Renee Curry, while the Middle and High School Dignity Act Coordinator is Scott Many. At Haldane, you or your child can also anonymously report bullying behavior through the Anonymous Reporter Tool.

When talking to school staff, tell them in detail what has been happening and ask them what steps they can take to resolve the bullying. Perhaps you make a safety plan and put it in writing. A safety plan should include a list of actions that the school staff will take to address the issue — for instance, monitoring specific locations where the bullying tends to occur — as well a list of actions your child should take if bullying continues.

If your child is struggling, consider finding him or her a local therapist or reaching out to the Philipstown Behavioral Health Hub. The Dutchess County Stabilization Center, located in Poughkeepsie, welcomes walk-in clients 24 hours a day, 365 days a year; the Putnam County Crisis Hotline (845-225-1222) can also provide support and advice over the phone. STOMP Out Bullying (stompoutbullying.org) also has a free and confidential live Help-Chat for kids between the ages of 13 and 24 . LBGTQ youth who are in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk can contact The Trevor Project’s TrevorLifeline at 1-866-488-7386.

How scared should I be of cyberbullying — and what should I do if my child is being cyberbullied?

Some aspects of cyberbullying certainly make it seem scarier than “traditional” bullying. Traditional bullying typically happens at school, which means that it often ends when the dismissal bell rings, and kids are largely shielded from it at home. Cyberbullying, on the other hand, can happen anytime and anywhere, as long as your child has access to a device. And while mean words are fleeting — they only linger in the air or as long as it takes to say them — cruel texts and Facebook comments can last forever, re-traumatizing a child every time they’re seen (and shared). The audience for a cyberbully can also be vastly larger than for a face-to-face bully, which can strengthen the impact. But keep in mind that cyberbullying also has some characteristics that make it easier to deal with. First, it’s easier to document and prove to school administrators or authorities, because there’s often a built-in paper trail. It’s also easier for bystanders to speak up in support of victims when the bullying happens on a Facebook wall rather than in a school hallway. 

Given how common devices are these days, cyberbullying is certainly worrying, but if it’s any consolation, it’s still less common than traditional bullying: In 2018, more than two-thirds of U.S. teens said that bullying was still more likely to happen in person than online, according to a Pew Research Center survey. And bullying researchers have found that when schools tackle regular bullying, cyberbullying tends to go down, too. 

If your child is being cyberbullied, take screenshots (and encourage your child to take screenshots) of the evidence, and advise your child to block and report the bully on whatever platform the bullying occurred. You can also find other ways to report cyberbullying here.

What should I do if I think my child is bullying others?

It’s never, ever easy when you hear that your child may be acting unkindly towards others. First, ask your child for their side of the story, because it’s important to hear their perspective. This doesn’t mean you need to accept their story at face value — and if you find yourself doing that, do a self-check. Parents desperately want to believe their kids can do no wrong, so we’re often too inclined to believe their pleas of “I’m innocent!”

No matter where you feel blame lies — maybe you decide your child really didn’t do anything wrong — these conversations are still important to have, as they’re opportunities to discuss bullying and why it’s unacceptable. Tell your child that you expect them to always treat others with dignity and respect, and that even if they are not trying to be mean, they need to be aware that name-calling and teasing can really hurt.

If your child does engage in bullying, it’s also important to consider an appropriate response. One way is to link the consequences to the situation: If your child was bullying online, perhaps you restrict their internet access for a while. If they bullied during a soccer game, maybe they have to sit out the next two games. Consider, too, having them make reparations for their behavior. Consider having them write apology notes in which they take ownership for their behavior and explain what they’ll do to make up for it. And talk to your child about what a true apology is — that it needs to reflect a genuine understanding of what was done that was harmful, and that it doesn’t blame the victim or make excuses.